Parenting strategies / hints and tips

About teenagers:

• Being a teenager is confusing as they are making the biggest change in their life – from child to adult.
• Teenage rebellion can be the sign of a healthy personality and debating increases logical thinking ability.
• Being a teenager can feel as if you are always in the wrong.
• A teenager cannot understand a parent’s role or feelings until they become a parent themselves.
• The majority of young people who go off the rails get their lives back on track.

About parents:

• Parents need to be confident and aware of their rights and responsibilities.
• Adolescence is a temporary stage and your relationship with your child is changing it doesn’t have to end.
• Being a parent is confusing – continually having to change as your child grows and develops.
• Being a parent can feel as if you are always wrong.
• Although parents have their own experiences of being a teenager, it may not feel valid or relevant in bringing up your own son or daughter.

“If you have never been hated by your child you have never been a parent”  ~Bette Davis

Tips for you:

• Make time for your own relaxation.
• Understand yourself – moods, emotions, triggers.
• Don’t take their criticism personally.
• Demonstrate how to respect.
• Come up with boundaries and consequences that you know you can put into action (do not include shame, rejection or humiliation).
• Trust what you see, no matter what they say.
• Give praise and encouragement for the small things (don’t spoil it with a “but…”).
• Try something different (do the unexpected, break the cycle).
• Have realistic expectations of yourself and your teenager.

Getting along with your teenager

Here are some ideas and techniques you can try to improve your relationship with your teenager. If they don’t work at first, keep trying. They take practice.

• Hug them! Apologise if you’re wrong!
• Make time for your teenager. Find an activity you enjoy doing together and pursue it. If your invitations are declined, keep asking.
• Listen, really listen. Because parents have so much to do and so little time, we often try to listen while cleaning, washing dishes or fixing the car. Put your chores aside so your teenager knows you’re really paying attention.
• Take the long view. Don’t treat minor mishaps as major catastrophes. Choose the important issues. Don’t make your home a battleground.
• Tolerate differences. View your teenager as an individual distinct from you. This doesn’t mean you can't state your opinion if you disagree.
• Respect your teenager’s privacy. If a behaviour is worrying you, speak up.
• Let your teenagers sort things out themselves. Never say that you know how your teenager feels. They believe their feelings are new and personal, are unique. They’ll learn otherwise without your help. And never imply that their feelings don’t matter or will change. Because teenagers live in the present, it doesn’t matter that they’ll soon feel differently.
• Don’t judge. State facts instead of opinions when you praise or criticise.  Stating facts like 'Your poem made me smile' or 'This report is all Cs and Ds!' leaves it up to your teenager to draw the appropriate conclusions. Teenagers are sensitive about being judged - positively as well as negatively.
• Be generous with praise. Praise your child’s efforts, not just accomplishments. And don’t comment on the person. 'You’re a great artist' is hard to live up to. 'I loved that drawing' is a fact and comes from your heart.
• Set reasonable limits. Teenagers need them.  Your rules should be consistently applied, and rooted in your deepest beliefs and values. But be prepared to negotiate. This will show your teenager you are reasonable - they will be more likely to agree to do things your own way sometimes too!
• Teach your teenager to make sensible decisions and choices by encouraging independence and letting your teenager make mistakes. Don’t step in unless you have to.